Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

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Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.


P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.


I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.


WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen


Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.


don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo


wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon


Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once


Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”


For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.