Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

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Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry


“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”


Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.


Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.



*tries to lift dumbbell
*drops it


Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip


I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work


Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.


I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.