@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

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@sfreeze6

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@KentWGraham

I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.

@ericsshadow

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

@TomSchally

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

@thombodytolove

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

@TheHyyyype

wife: we should get a pet

me: *nodding* a wolf

wife: are you insane? those are dangerous

me: a large dog

wife: ok thats a good compromis-

me: that hates the moon

@lazerdoov

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

@DrakeGatsby

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

@noaccountlurker

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.