@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

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@MrGynosaur

Sprinklers are just little heads looking around for their friends but they can’t find them so they cry

@OtherDanOBrien

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

@MissHavisham

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

@AngelaEhh

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

@ThaJawn

(gym)

Me:
*tries to lift dumbbell
*drops it

Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!

Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip

@Playing_Dad

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

@kwirkyKerri

Brings donuts to work because if I can’t be skinny neither can you.

@EliTerry

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.