Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.