Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
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Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants