Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
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this is the greatest thing ever
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
cause of death:
autopsy.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
it’s the silliest best thing
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Mornin. * use accordingly
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.