Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

Colleague: any children?

Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids

Wife: We’ve got 3 kids

Me: I stand by what I said

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens

Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs

Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold

Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome

i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.

Most Common Source of Electricity

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth