Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh

*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages

My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.

He’s the Spokesman.

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

*steps on Lego*

*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*

*throws all Legos away*

*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]

Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

king: the gods are angry with us

advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano

king: how would that help

advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control

-me, in this hotel room

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.

“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins