Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
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In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
japanese corn
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
What.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.