Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
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If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.