Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.

When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way

Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*

We’ve all been there

Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds

heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.