Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look

if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

The Five Stages of Dinner:

1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it

Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.

Not today, today.
Not today.

Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?

Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.

opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses

my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…

Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

sneaking out of costco with extra samples like

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.

To bye at an auction you should bid adieu

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3