Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?

Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.

saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!

MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

ME: and make mine a double

WAITER: your…your tater tots?

ME: you heard me

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

Extremely relatable.

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..

Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!

“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”

Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!

Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.

Both: Never again.

Repeat.

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.