Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.

Boy never ceases to amaze me

detective: can you describe the crime scene?

me: which one i seen lots of crimes.

It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…

Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.

Going for a poo could spell trouble!

[at the general store]

me: one general please

People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”

be safe out there!

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?

Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.

I am criminally attractive*

*attractive to criminals

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

In high stakes spycraft, no one suspects the clumsy woman. They call me The Black Oops.

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut