Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.

I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

me: oh… exhibition game

rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on

[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!

Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for

Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

These aliens are taking forever.

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor

Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait

[Battleship: Guilt Edition]

Friend: B6

Me: You sunk my Battleship

Friend: Hah yes!

Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children

*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*

“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.

God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.