Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.

Wife:

Marriage counselor:

Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.

When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

her: i like a guy that can last long 😉

me, a piece of flavored gum: shit

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]

me: ok lol

[later]

me: hey what the f-

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.

How I know this is unimportant.

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.

Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.