Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?

When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.

I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ

me: what

cat: meow

Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk

Children will see a neatly hanging dish towel and be like oh hell no

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.