Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

I occasionally drink every single night.

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

i finally quit drinking for good

now i drink for evil

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf

I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”

Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

[ spelling bee ]

judge: your word is feeling

me: can you use it in a sentence

judge: how are you feeling

me: ok

judge: wrong

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.