Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
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if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
“What?”
– Jude
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
happy friday
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.