Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hiking]

ME: I’m so tired

MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.

“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says

Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

*his phone rings*

Me: who is she?

Him: huh

Me: who is Potential Spam!?

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

her: what’s this writing on your hand

me: I was cheating on an exam

her: it just says “hand”

me: yeah it was an anatomy exam

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

[Titantic sinks]

Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?

Rose: [door lock noise]

TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.

It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.

I made a new rule at dinner tonight.

Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.

It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.