Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

“Update the force, Luke”

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

This dude got his own movie?

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

[Home Depot staff meeting]

BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?

ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

✨☝️✨

I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”