Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

clean window: [exists]

toddlers: what’s that taste like

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!

Me: It’s Tuesday.

Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

*3.5 thank you very much.

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.