Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth

Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.

yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.

………….so like he’s clearly a monster right

I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.

Dog: No, I’m mad at you.

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?

The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.

*Followed*

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

I feel the need, the need for tweed.

– Professors at Top Gun

about to have the best blueberries of my life

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art