me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I’m glad it’s not snowing. I can’t imagine shoveling snow in this heat
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.