me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
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I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
💯😂
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
*bites zombie*
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER