me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
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me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit