me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
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Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…