Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

[job interview]

Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?

Me: Sure, go ahead

Interviewer: [dials number]

Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER

Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow

Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*

Me: He means a graph

Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY

Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*

My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.

We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”

And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?

John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.

An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.