Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.

what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

Don’t forget to tip your server

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*

*you’re cured*

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday

we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”

DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.