Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.

Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.

The fall of Netflix

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

They should invent clothes that get fat with you

I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.

The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.

And send

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

thoughts?

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.