Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.

My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]

Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*

ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep

my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.