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I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.

I have a joke about trickle down economics.

99% of you won’t ever get it.

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?

ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything

How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

Me: when is your birthday

Her: March 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.