Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
*puts words between two asterisks*
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.