Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
grotesque if literal: baby food
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.
Them: Why?
Me: My car is haunted.
Them: Haunted?
Me: So haunted.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Basically, any European coat of arms:
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.