Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO

Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”

Me: “To see if I can read minds?”

[mattress store interview]

“What would you bring to this job?”

A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi

My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.

Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.

restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.

I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

Dyslexics are teople poo!

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.