Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

*Runs across campus to get to class on time*

Whew! I made it!

*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*

My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.

Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong

Car sputters as it runs out of gas

Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.

Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

ON PHONE WITH MY MOM

HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?

ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

14 called me an idiot today

No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child

I mean 14 people

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

interviewer: what do you know about excel?

me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician