me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
I have obtained a hat
