me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.