me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
You Might Also Like
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in