me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
