ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
They did not think through this water fountain
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Sharon, call the vet
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.