Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

3% human
97% stress

My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!

TV: last week on GoT..

Me: when the hell did that happen?!

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?

If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along