me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
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Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not