me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
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There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.