me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
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Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
#catsoftwitter
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
My neighbor is trimming his tree by using a sawzall and a 17 foot ladder so I moved my cars to be sure there’s enough space for when the ambulance shows up
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall