me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Nothing.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.