me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
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When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
don’t we all
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent