me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
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beware of dog
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho