me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
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When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?