me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
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He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Air conditioning – not a fan
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.