me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
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8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Me sliding into hell like
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Beware of fowl play.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
his wife is probably gonna see that
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep