Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

Not all heroes wear capes…

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.

My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.

We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.

assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%

shrink ray company CEO: excellent

Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.

Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)

Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell

Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.