Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

[job interview]

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

Alcohol

“Umm ok, how about strengths?”

*pouring him a shot* Sharing

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.

Policeman: Get in the damn line up.

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

You two just need to get out more.

– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice

[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”