Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Bidets will go down in the anals of history. There, I said it.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”