Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
We’ve come full circle
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
You don’t need to explain yourself if you carry a chainsaw.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.