Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco

Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

*knuckle tats*

( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )

(I’m a librarian)

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers

Things that are terrifying:

A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?

[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.

Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer

People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*

employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

[if I was in horror movies, a thread]

jock: let’s split up

me: no