Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
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I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.