Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
As a doctor, I can confirm
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
