ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
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[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Wednesday
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money