ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
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So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
If chickens knew how good they tasted they would understand.
There’s no “u” in narcissist
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.