Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.

[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on

Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri

Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?

4-year-old: I won.

this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready

Creepy-crawlies

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂

Room with a view.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.