Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING

man i love columbo

I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it

“I’ll do it after I’m dead”

People that don’t know how death works.

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

🤣

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?

The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

CAT 911: What’s your emer-

CAT: THE PERSON PET ME

CAT 911: What were you doing?

CAT: SLEEPING

CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE

CAT: I HATE PEOPLE

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…