Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me logging onto twitter

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

Tears for Fears: Everybody wants to rule the world.

Me: Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

pelicons

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.

Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*

Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in