Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids

Me: was your son fed?

Wife: yes.

Me: bathed?

Wife: yes.

Me: in bed on time?

Wife: yes.

Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?

Wife: his pajamas.

Me: what about them?

Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.

The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.

A small tragedy.

I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?

me: I just want to make a difference

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

We cannot all be trying to head home at 5:00PM. We have to start going home in groups

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.

I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work

The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.