Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns

The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”

So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”

When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.

It’s also raisin free.

And cake free.

OK it’s just rum

Education is vital

😆this is so true

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl