ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
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It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.