Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

Meow

Who hurt you ?

Me: Monday.

People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease

Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.

my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

Body: ok sleepy time.

Brain: ok thinky time.

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Thoughts while driving:

-Hope that light stays green.

-Hope it stays yellow.

-Hope no one saw me run that red light.

Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”