me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
You Might Also Like
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then