me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
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giddy up Office Depot
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Chemical wingman
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Some of y’all tomorrow …
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks