Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.

[at a dinner party]

Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE

Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)

Me: Mmm, this tastes good.

Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

How dramatic are you?

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.

I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button

INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.

TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?

My five year plan is a meteorite

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.

Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

I went for a job interview.

The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”

“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied