Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
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My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler