Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.

ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?

CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months

[9 years later]

CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!

~ Toddler selective hearing

*Signs into Facebook

“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere

*Agrees

*Deletes Facebook

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?

God:

Centipede:

Snake: guys don’t tell me what?

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

poor people rarely die from ski related injuries

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes