Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
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he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.