Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
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I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Cats (2019)
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.