Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

*getting ready for bed*

Me: Oh did you lock the front door?

Burglar: I’ll go check it

Me: Thanks hon

Wife:

Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits

Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

*stirs coffee with knife*

*licks knife*

“Let’s do this”

*wakes kids for school*

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.

Family:

M:

Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.