Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave

I’ve been drinking.

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*

“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF

Students: but sir we can’t write that

Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.

Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.

Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.

I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.