me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
You Might Also Like
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
I’m a self-made hundredaire