Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
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Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
sigh
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Sorted
